<\/p>\n
Based on the previous 11 renditions, we’ve put together a list of all that is likely to transpire when the country goes to vote for the dozenth time.<\/p>\n
This is a satirical piece and any eventual accuracy in its predictions will be completely coincidental, albeit very much possible.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s the age of super-fast and super-efficient everything worldwide \u2014 even if it\u2019s actually the age of cratered roads, gas loadshedding and internet outages in Pakistan.<\/p>\n Sidestepping the tempting digression(s), the point is that in this day and age, one should really not have to wait till February 8 to know what is going to happen on the day of general elections.<\/p>\n Based on the previous 11 editions, we have put together a comprehensive list of all that is likely to transpire when the country goes to vote for the dozenth time:<\/p>\n As the clock strikes nine in the morning, those hoping for a day of debate, venting and even meme sharing on the World Wide Web are given a rude awakening.<\/p>\n At precisely 9:01am, Facebook and Twitter, but more importantly WhatsApp, go all too quiet, all too suspiciously. It does not ring any alarm bells until the perpetually annoying work group \u2014 on silent since times immemorial and till the end of times \u2014 gathers no new notifications.<\/p>\n By 9:30am, the news of the internet being down spreads like wildfire as frustrated cybernauts now have to solely rely on whatever the overexcited TV anchor with the cleanest of Gillette shaves and loudest of \u201cBreaking News\u201d squeals on the biggest of news channels has to feed them.<\/p>\n When the caretaker information minister \u2014 with a heavy heart and heavier feet, now that he will soon have to leave his position and go back to journalism \u2014 makes his first appearance of the day close to noon, internet outage is the first question he is asked by a reporter.<\/p>\n \u201cInternet is not working all over? It must have been some technical issue on your part,\u201d he says. \u201cIt\u2019s nationwide? Did anyone try restarting devices? Arey baba<\/em>, try that first. If it doesn\u2019t work, then the nation should switch off its routers and switch them back on.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo that with your right hand, and don\u2019t forget to say Bismillah<\/em>,\u201d he adds.<\/p>\n A business tycoon known to offer free transport service to independent candidates post-elections on his private jet places an order for Airbus A380.<\/p>\n \u201cTo say that we\u2019re going to be busy over the next few weeks is a massive understatement,\u201d says the private pilot of the tycoon\u2019s Beechcraft King Air 200. \u201cThe workload is going to be crazy. We\u2019ve been told will have to do double shifts.<\/p>\n \u201cSir has ordered an Airbus but we\u2019re not sure when it\u2019s going to be delivered. On our part, we\u2019ve got the suspension completely overhauled of our Beechcraft. In fact, we\u2019ve put in new axles for all three wheels so the plane can bear extra load.<\/p>\n \u201cThe official capacity is 10 but to accommodate more independents, we have installed hand railings so an extra five can stand while sir sweet talks them. Another five can be placed on top of the jet, W-11 style. If a few even fall, we can always find more independents.\u201d<\/p>\n After the failure of Result Management System (RMS) in 2013 and even bigger failure of Result Transmission System (RTS) in 2018, the electoral watchdog unveils a brand new system.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s brand new and it\u2019s state of the art with absolutely zero chance of failure,\u201d claims the chief\u2019s selection commissioner. \u201cIt\u2019s called Result Manipulation System. Unlike the previous systems, this one has been rigorously tested for manipulation, tweaking, reversing, changing and switching of results, and it\u2019s given us a 100pc result every time.\u201d<\/p>\n It also has multi-modal manipulation options, which means we can make it lag in certain constituencies where results are unfavourable, and make it super-fast where results are favourable. If the entire system needs crashing, that\u2019s also possible with a mere pull of the plug.<\/p>\n With his party\u2019s victory in sight, the country\u2019s three-time premature evacuator breathes a sigh of relief as he promises his loved ones he would try to last a full term in the country, provided that his government stays and he doesn\u2019t pick a fight with the powers that be.<\/p>\n \u201cHe will take things easy this time, and won\u2019t be as sensitive as he was before,\u201d a senior party leader tells Dawn<\/em> on the condition of anonymity.<\/p>\n \u201cThat isn\u2019t to say that he won\u2019t come out of his shell every now and then but in the end he will bow down to the situation and just focus on lasting longer in the prime minister\u2019s office and the country.\u201d<\/p>\n The voting process goes as smooth as butter \u2014 except for one particular symbol-less party\u2019s voters, who are asked to pass their Yo-Yo tests, get a 9 on their IELTS test and demonstrate one superhuman trait before being allowed into polling booths.<\/p>\n The Breaking News squealer has a field day, gleefully telling the network\u2019s viewers how unfit his least favourite party\u2019s voters are.<\/p>\n Huffing and puffing, the voters take the matter to the most supreme of courts in the land, hoping that their fitness (or lack thereof) won\u2019t keep them from exercising their democratic right.<\/p>\n \u201cMy lord, my client has been denied the right to vote,\u201d says the petitioner\u2019s attorney.<\/p>\n \u201cHow so?\u201d the judge asks.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re being made to do these insane tasks just because we want to vote for our party. It\u2019s all over the news. TV channels have been showing live footage since morning,\u201d the attorney replies.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, we don\u2019t watch TV,\u201d the big judge shoots back as the jam-packed courtroom falls silent just for a moment to gather its thoughts.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? We don\u2019t even use phones, or cars or anything else like that. I ride my Andalusian thoroughbred up the Constitution Avenue every day. My brother judge next to me still uses messenger pigeons.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTechnology is a plague,\u201d he adds.<\/p>\n As the clock strikes 6pm, and the watchdog\u2019s embargo to report results is lifted, a leading \u2018niji\u2019 (private) channel doesn\u2019t waste a nanosecond in making the announcement.<\/p>\n \u201cKeeping in line with our long tradition, and like all previous elections since the 1870s, we are again the first ones to call the results,\u201d says the squealer.<\/p>\n \u201cNazreen (viewers) \u2026 keeping in line with our long tradition, and like all previous elections since the 1870s, we are again the first ones to call the results,\u201d he repeats again.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me say this once again, keeping in line with our long tradition, and like all previous elections since the 1870s, we are again the first ones to call the results,\u201d the squealer would say over and over and over again until you would switch to another station where another squealer would be claiming exactly the same honour for his employers.<\/p>\n The Pakistan Meteorological Department\u2019s newly installed sonar system picks up mysterious sounds waves emanating from all over Pakistan.<\/p>\n \u201cSir, I have very strange reading here, something I\u2019ve never seen. Over!\u201d a panicked radar operator, who is still on probation, yells on the walkie talkie as beads of sparkling sweat emerge and slide down his temples.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it you see?\u201d the supervisor asks.<\/p>\n \u201cSir, the radar is showing tens and tens of shifty sound waves from almost all over Pakistan. Could it be an alien attack?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRelax, rookie! Are the sound waves coming from more are less six feet above the ground level?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUmm \u2026 yes, sir, approx six feet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre they showing everywhere except for AJK and GB? Also, is their intensity the strongest in Punjab?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes \u2026 and yes, sir. But how do you know this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRookie, you have a lot to learn. This is \u2018zameer ki awaz\u2019 (sounds of conscience) and it\u2019s heard every election season. Its epicentre is always Punjab, but its shockwaves go as far as Islamabad, Sindh, KP and beyond.\u201d<\/p>\n The scion of a grand political dynasty is dejected when his claim to beat foe-turned-friend-turned-foe in their own stronghold backfires supremely.<\/p>\n Faced with the new reality that he would now have to team up with the very rivals he bashed in the buildup to the elections, he gets creative.<\/p>\n \u201cWe have to accept that we have lost the elections by a landslide,\u201d the young leader says as he tries to perfect his graceful loser look. \u201cHowever, I will stand by what I said. When I said that they (rivals) are corrupt, I was talking about their hard disk drives being corrupt, which is a shame because you lose all data.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd when I said they are the new blue-eyed, of course I mean that they are the blue-eyed of their mothers. Who isn\u2019t that for their mothers?<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t misconstrue my words and stop looking for controversies when there isn\u2019t one. Whoever the Family League picks will be my prime minister.\u201d<\/p>\n As the dust settles on the election day, a leading columnist and self-proclaimed torchbearer of impartial journalism quietly joins the party\u2019s 37-member cabinet as the special assistant to the prime minister (SAPM) on media manhandling.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the culmination of my 25 years of unbiased and impartial journalism for the Family League,\u201d says the veteran columnist.<\/p>\n \u201cIn my role as the SAPM, I will suggest to my leadership the best ways to silence the media, how to manipulate things to our advantage and what spin to give when we do exactly the same things the previous government did.\u201d<\/p>\n When asked if his switch to politics means the end of his journalism career, he says, \u201cNot at all. If\/when the government is over, I can always launch a new channel with my likeminded journalism buddies, become its president and get back to my unbiased journalism \u2014 but for the League only.\u201d<\/p>\n After an electoral performance not big enough to take a principled stance, but big enough to land a couple ministries, MQM-P\u2019s Rabita Committee holds a \u2018hangami ijlas\u2019 (emergency meeting) in Bahadurabad, Karachi.<\/p>\n \u201cFor the sake of our people and the city of Karachi, we have decided to form an alliance with the incoming government,\u201d the party\u2019s deputy convener says. \u201cThis has nothing to do with our or the party\u2019s best interests but everything to do with Karachi and its residents.<\/p>\n \u201cThe two ministries we\u2019re getting are for the people. We don\u2019t want anything, and we don\u2019t do anything for ourselves. It\u2019s for the people that we\u2019re going to sit on the treasury benches.\u201d<\/p>\n Header image created with AI<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Based on the previous 11 renditions, we’ve put together a list of all that is likely to transpire when the country goes to vote for the dozenth time. This is a satirical piece and any eventual accuracy in its predictions will be completely coincidental, albeit very much possible. It\u2019s the age of super-fast and super-efficient […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":54499,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/i.dawn.com\/thumbnail\/2024\/01\/29173546b072cbb.jpg?r=005328","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54498","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pakistan"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54498","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=54498"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54498\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/54499"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=54498"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=54498"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=54498"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\u2018Restart your devices\u2019: Info minister\u2019s ingenious solution to netizens during internet outage<\/h2>\n
Business tycoon orders Airbus ahead of busy season<\/h2>\n
Elections watchdog replaces RTS with RMS<\/h2>\n
Leader determined to last full tenure<\/h2>\n
Big judge shuns technologies<\/h2>\n
\u2018Niji\u2019 channel toots its own horn for being first to report result<\/h2>\n
PMD\u2019s Sonar reader picks up mysterious sound waves<\/h2>\n
Scion changes tone after chastening defeat<\/h2>\n
Torchbearer of unbiased journalism becomes SAPM<\/h2>\n
\u2018For Karachi, and its people,\u2019 MQM-P takes a decision everyone saw coming<\/h2>\n