<\/p>\n
The year of elections is likely to bring back some old demons from the past.<\/p>\n
This is a satirical piece and any eventual accuracy in its predictions will be completely coincidental.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n There is no such thing as a dull year in Pakistan, and 2024 is unlikely to be any different.<\/p>\n The first quarter will be all about the elections before the usual economic doom and gloom takes over, which usually necessitates a trip to the IMF.<\/p>\n By mid-year, the new government will have taken shape and by the year\u2019s end, the new prime minister will have mastered justifying why he cannot do what he had promised to do before coming into power.<\/p>\n That and everything else in between has been predicted in the piece below. Take a look at our top seven predictions for 2024:<\/p>\n The alarm rings. Buzz \u2026 buzz \u2026 buzz. The clock displays 8am. The calendar shows Feb 8.<\/p>\n \u201cDarling, wake up. It\u2019s time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet me sleep!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWake up! You\u2019re gonna be late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo I really have to? It\u2019s Thursday. It\u2019s practically my day off.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut it\u2019s your big day. You\u2019re the chief\u2019s selection commissioner. \u201cI don\u2019t wanna be looked at. Let me sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n Suddenly, the phone rings. \u201cSir, yes, sir. On my way.\u201d<\/p>\n The biggest of judges in the grandest of courts signs a Netflix deal to recreate Pakistan\u2019s version of Judge Judy<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cHonestly speaking, this court business was getting pretty boring,\u201d says the judge whose college slam book entry says he wanted to become an actor. \u201cEvery day it was the same constitution this, parliament that. Suo motus<\/em> and live streams did do it for a while but then they also lost their charm. No one was watching us.<\/p>\n \u201cSomething supreme had to be done and we\u2019re hoping this arbitration reality show will do just that.\u201d<\/p>\n The next day, Evening Special<\/em> reports that Justice Prejudice<\/em>, Justice Bias<\/em> and Justice Seesaw<\/em> are among the mooted names for the eponymous show.<\/p>\n Cinemagoers were left disillusioned when the latest sequel of the nation\u2019s longest-running movie series, Boys Will be Boys<\/em>, proved a massive flop at the box office \u2014 just like the previous five instalments.<\/p>\n \u201cOnce again, there was nothing new,\u201d said a disgruntled fan who walked off 10 minutes into the premiere. \u201cThe storyline hasn\u2019t really evolved since the original \u2018Boys Will be Boys\u2019. It is all very formulaic and predictable at this point. Every BWBB movie stars a troubled hero who tries to dethrone the cruel king with all his might but when he can\u2019t, he teams up with the evil monster. Before he realises it, the troubled hero himself turns into the cruel king.<\/p>\n \u201cBoys Will be Boys 2<\/em> was the same story with only the actors switching roles. Boys Will Always be Boys<\/em>, Boys are Still Boys<\/em>, and Boys Keep on Boys-ing<\/em> followed the same pattern. And now, Boys Will be Boys VI \u2014 the Return of the Same<\/em> also has the same plot with only minor tweaks.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen will the filmmakers realise that the audience is fed up? Their scripts have never worked and never will. Isn\u2019t it time they end the theatrics?\u201d<\/p>\n After a day-long debate among members of Reporters Without Spine (RWS), it is unanimously decided to remove \u2018r\u2019 from press.<\/p>\n \u201cThe R in press stands for resistance, which we don\u2019t exercise anymore so why carry a redundant letter?\u201d says the RWS chairman.<\/p>\n \u201cA similar suggestion was made for the word media. The idea was to remove the word D as it probably stands for defence, which again we don\u2019t have any. Just when we were about to ditch it, we were reminded that we can simply replace it with the D of dictation, which is attempted a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n After being installed into the parliament, the leading political family of the country out of its largest province, removes the 25-year minimum age limit required to contest elections as part of its first legislative act.<\/p>\n \u201cThe Family League has a bunch of eight and nine-year-olds, and they are all itching to serve the nation after school,\u201d a family insider tells Dawn.com<\/em>. \u201cIn fact, even our newborn babies are more qualified to run this country than everyone else.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is no reason to keep them away from the assemblies, which is why we decided to do away with the age limit.\u201d<\/p>\n When asked if the legislation could expose the party to allegations of nepotism, the insider says: \u201cThis has nothing to do with dynastic politics. It\u2019s pure merit. The political acumen of the pre-teens and even babies in the Family League is on par with that of seasoned politicians.\u201d<\/p>\n After seeing its men\u2019s team whitewashed on home soil by the cast of Amir Khan\u2019s Lagaan<\/em>, the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) decides to shake things up ahead of the tour of South Africa.<\/p>\n As part of the revamp, the board makes the following appointments:<\/p>\n Shahid Afridi \u2014 Coach of Patience<\/p>\n Mohammad Hafeez \u2014 Coach of Facing Dale Steyn<\/p>\n Wasim Akram \u2014 Integrity Coach<\/p>\n Salman Butt \u2014 Assistant Integrity Coach<\/p>\n Umar Akmal \u2014 Disciplinary Coach<\/p>\n Inzamamul Haq \u2014 Post-Match Interview Coach<\/p>\n Sharjeel Khan \u2014 Fitness Coach<\/p>\n Mohammad Amir \u2014 Loyalty Coach<\/p>\n Javed Miandad \u2014 Enunciation Coach<\/p>\n With the dollar rate and inflation skyrocketing, and economy flying dangerously close to default, the stock market creates a new high of 81,567.<\/p>\n \u201cIt makes perfect sense for the market to be this bullish,\u201d says the head of research at a leading brokerage house. \u201cThe earth\u2019s rotation today against the sun was just at the perfect angle to trigger a buying spree at the 100 index.<\/p>\n \u201cMoreover, PSX\u2019s zodiac is Capricorn, for whom this month is favourable according to today\u2019s horoscope. In the absence of any fundamental change whatsoever, this is what we can come up with to explain why the market is pointing upwards while the rest of the county is in a tailspin.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The year of elections is likely to bring back some old demons from the past. This is a satirical piece and any eventual accuracy in its predictions will be completely coincidental. There is no such thing as a dull year in Pakistan, and 2024 is unlikely to be any different. The first quarter will be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":42523,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/i.dawn.com\/large\/2024\/01\/01131239883ff50.gif?r=131347","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-42522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pakistan"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42522","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42522"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42522\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/42523"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42522"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42522"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pakistaninewspaperlist.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42522"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Chief\u2019s selection commissioner springs into action<\/h2>\n
\nEveryone is looking at you.\u201d<\/p>\nNetflix to recreate Judge Judy for Pakistan<\/h2>\n
\u2018Boys Will be Boys VI \u2014 the Return of the Same\u2019 proves a box office disaster<\/h2>\n
RWS recommends renaming \u2018media\u2019 and \u2018press\u2019<\/h2>\n
New legislation sees age restriction abolished to contest elections<\/h2>\n
PCB makes key appointments<\/h2>\n
Stock market creates new high, but don\u2019t know why<\/h2>\n